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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

that's what she said.

after 9-11 i turned off the tv news and switch the radio channel when the news comes on. 

i am not the only one in the last week to lose their shit over all the bad news out there. 
couple of my favorite bloggers have had enough too. which prompted me to chime in. 

for the most part i really try to have a good tight seal on the shit filter of the news that comes across my laptop and keep only the good stuff coming in.

it's been really hard in the last week or so. there seems to be a shitstorm a brew'n out there.

this bill cosby thing pisses me off. yea yea i know. cosby.

well i'm not so much going to go into his shit here. but as i see the news stories pop up against my better judgement i've read several.

i am compelled to look at comments below the stories...
and i tell myself not to look because i know there's going to be many people with opinions that greatly differ from mine on this whole clusterfuck.

i have been working really hard lately to see opinions and views that are not the same as mine for what they are... 
a personal opinion of which we are all entitled to!

my homework is to open my own mind up to... ''yea okay maybe i can also see your side and sure you have a point and maybe i could be less rigid in my opinions.'' 
see how i'm all adult here and shit.  

so of course i look at comments and they pissed me off. 
hey now, i didn't say i mastered this thing yet, i said i'm working on it. 

so the comments are all over the place 
and the ones on 'team cosby' the outraged comments pretty much go like this...
''hey these broads are coming forward 20-30-40 years later and 'JUST NOW' speaking up?!!!''

well the thing is, it's scary to speak up even today whether there was a rape involved or not. a celebrity or not. harassment-sexual or not. 

it might as well be the 1950's or the 1990's... remember anita hill and that pubic hair and the coke can! yea that did a whole lot for us gals to come forward.


in 2009.
i was 44 yrs old. a middle aged woman with a bit of life under my belt. 
it was hard for me to come forward after a series of events at my workplace.
i thought i would have a nervous breakdown and i think i kinda did.

he said. she said.
let me repeat this... it was 2009 not 1950.

i had a male co-worker (let's just call him 'dick bag') on 2 separate occasions dick bag make unauthorized physical contact with my person before i called HR. 
another after i filed the complaint.

there was MANY sexual verbal assaults before i called HR.
a few gems...
dick bag told another coworker loud enough for me to hear when i bent down.... 
'i'd like to break my dick off up inside that ass'

another time... 
'my god she has incredible tits. i wonder if they are real.'

when that didn't get my reaction... let's up this game...

dick bag sat and waited for an opportunity to pass me in a tight area grabbed ahold of my shoulders and slowwwwwly passed me while he rubbed his erection across my ass.

HR: how do you know he had an erection? (because i guess if there wasn't an erection it was okay?????)
me: well it was either an erection or he had a roll of quarters in his pants.

annnnd then i was on my knees working on the floor sorting year end files with head down. lost in my work. remember IT'S WORK! 
dick bag walked up to me.
 extremely close. said 'HEY look at this!' 
i lifted my head to see he positioned himself very close so i would be face level to his groin... and i guess he wanted me to see his 'pocket of quarters' ummm yea that was also an erection. 

my nerves were SHOT. 

i called HR. 
i filed a complaint. 

dick bag was PISSED. he was interviewed by HR.
afterward he physically blocked me from walking through the office. 
yes. he laid hands on me. 
he confronted me. 
i was the problem here.... 
i came on to him... 

insanity. the whole thing was like a bad movie. but it was real. REAL. 
and when this goes down because we are so programmed that it's 'our fault'... your mind starts going through the scenarios and you start second guessing yourself... 

shit.... did i say something? 
did i bend over unlady like? 
did i give him a 'come hither' i want a dick up my ass look over the filling cabinet? 
no idea what that look would look like but i guarantee you that my face cannot make that face! 

you know what... FUCK NO to all of that. 
this man repulsed me. i did NOTHING to garner his attentions.

during the processing...
HR asked my boss: 
does she wear tight clothes. low cut shirts. short skirts. suggestive clothing.
no. she dresses professionally. dressed as outlined by dress code. she is professional always.

HR asked my boss:
does she tell inappropriate jokes at work?
no. she is professional always.

these were just a few of the questions asked by HR. 

imagine if i was raped, what the questions would have been like? 
imagine if there was famous people involved here?

when dick bag was transferred into my work place within 2 weeks it went from 'nice to meet you' to 
'i fucking HATE my job'. it went into epic hell quick. 

it's a slippery slope working out in the public. 
i am fun. you know i am. 
i'm also professional. an adult with boundaries and i know how to get along with people. i love people. 

but being fun and getting along with people doesn't mean it gives one permission to brush your dick up on my hand that's on the edge of a work table as you walk by. 

i asked for a transfer because they were not being swift with dealing with this. 
having to spend even 1 minute in that environment with that person was horrendous. 

i quit eating, sleeping. i cried a lot in my car at lunch time and on my drive home and on my days off... so yea wow at the time sooooo fucking glad i called HR. 
he was eventually transferred out. believe me not quick enough.

i lost respect for the company and coworkers that didn't appreciate that i couldn't just keep my mouth shut and have 'a little fun'.... 
btw that was male AND female coworkers. 
i guess i ruined it for everyone.
funny there was no dick rubbing ludeness before dick bag came to our workplace but now i ruined it for everyone.
i was being too sensitive and couldn't take a 'compliment'.
because 'breaking off one's dick up my ass' was a compliment.

we've come a long way since 1950...  
that's what she said. 
ha. no. she didn't.


Friday, November 21, 2014

sorry about your shitty week. here's some banana bread.

my husband has been gone all week out of the country. he's had a shit week.
he comes in tonight on a late flight. just updated to delayed because of the heavy snow coming down. 

his evening skype messages all week have pretty much been... 
shit shit shit assholes shit shit lazy bastards sonova bitches shit no one takes pride in their work. shit.
okay honey, i love you too. good night. sweet dreams.

so yea things are going SUPER!

he told me many times that one of the things that makes him happy is walking through the door and smelling food cooking... it smells like home. it smells like love. well yes sir it sure is LOVE!!! 
the quickest route to that man's heart and good mood... 
baked goods.

so i baked one of my special breads.
there's banana bread and then there's the kind you go a little out of your way with. 
i busted THAT bread out tonight.  
it makes him happy.
i laid out his favorite soft fresh washed robe. clean sheets on the bed. bottle of whiskey. i'm all wifey like that. that's love man.

if you don't have someone to pamper then pamper yourself. 
it's been a long week hasn't it. 
yea. sorry about that. here's a recipe for you. 

 190g of butter. it's love.

 browned butter. it's love. love.

toasted pecans. it's love.

vietnamese cinnamon. it's love. 

sorry about your shitty week. here's some banana bread. heavy on bananas and love.

browned butter banana bread with pecans
2 loaves. eat one. freeze one.

190g butter - browned
1c dark brown sugar 
1 c light coconut milk (unsweetened)
8 bananas very ripe - mashed
4 eggs
1 T vanilla
3 1/3c all purpose flour
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 c pecans lightly toasted + chopped (opt)

lightly toast pecans in dry pan:
med heat 3-5 min just until fragrant and a little glossy. 
keep an eye in them!
remove set aside. 

brown butter: 
med heat in pan, whisk melting butter and cook until it's really bubbly. takes 3-5 min. depending on heat. stop when you get little bits in the pan and just browned. remove from heat! can you stand how good that smells!

let cool a bit. (this is when i chop the nuts and butter bread pans)
transfer to bowl whisk in brown sugar.
whisk in milk, eggs, browned butter, vanilla. 

blend dry ingredients together. 
stir into dry mixture into wet mixture. 

stir until flour mix just disappears. do not over mix.
fold in pecans.
divide into 2 prepared bread pans. 
bake 60-65 minutes. (my oven is 60. check at 55)
clean tester = done

let bread rest for 20 min in pans. 
remove and cook on parchment surface before cutting. 
original recipe adapted from

here's a little more friday night sweetness. 
arctic monkeys. baby i'm yours.

x+o tracie

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

jet lag fucking brownies

ohhh maaaan this jet lag has been a mother fucker. 
more on that shit  here

yesterday was my first day i was able to fight off a nap all day and i won! WINNING!

i had cooking to do. 
i had shit to do. 
no time for a nap. 

i'm fighting some weird sinus thing on top of this jet lag. 
not a gross runny nose thing, but a dry yet plugged up can't breath i just don't even know thing. 
makes no sense i'm just damn off.
it's bullshit.

i didn't mention it before but within 12 hrs of getting off the plane i had a 3 day bout of a stomach flu or food poisoning. 
it was hell. 
we had the worst of everything on our flights both ways of the trip. worst airline food ever on our flight back so i blame that on the tummy issue.

dear SAS airlines,
fuck you.
fuck your rude dicky flight attendants. 
fuck your shitty food. 
never flying with you again. 
have a great fucking day

yea that food poisoning shit on top of the regular mild dehydration associated with a long transcontinental flights... sooo didn't need that. 
it's been epic shitty jet lag. 

i know i sound like a whiney ass but my immune system is kinda shot to hell so i'm not just dealing with the normal fuckedupness jet lag. i've been really fucked up.

getting better. i know it is. 
my peoples were fabulous and gave me all kinds of helpful tips and empathy and love. you guys are the best!

so onward....

i cook because peeps gotta eat and i've been off sugar for over a week to fight the jet lag because i was told to avoid sugar. 

i did and now fuck that shit i'm making brownies. 
this is my favorite brownie recipe.... with a new name:

jet lag fucking brownies

150g or 1/2c+2T butter 
1 1/4c sugar
3/4 c dark chocolate bar or chips (most times i use a mix of 60-74% good dark chocolate)

1/3c dutch cocoa powder (use good stuff!)
1/2c all purpose flour
2T cake flour

2 eggs + 1 white
2tsp vanilla
1/2 c chopped walnuts (opt)

on med/low gently melt butter + sugar in double boiler (or a lg pyrex in pan of water. that's what i use)
stir in chocolate. melt.
it will be gritty. don't panic. that's how it is supposed to be.
it will work out. promise.
transfer to mixing bowl.
set aside. 
let cool. 

beat in eggs+white for 1 minute (all of 1 minute!)
add vanilla. beat.

whisk together dry ingredients. 
add to wet bowl. 
beat for 3 minutes (time it! ALL OF 3 MINUTES)

fold in nuts. 

butter pan. i use a 7x8 metal. 

bake 180c or 350f

my oven takes 45 min. check at 40 clean tester = done 
*the fat content in your chocolate will make bake times differ

let cool. cut and stuff them in your face!

i have never doubled this recipe it just works beautifully in a small pan and i don't fuck with what works.

my variations are is based on original blackjack bakehouse recipe

here's a song to bake away the jet lag blues. enjoy. 

x+o tracie

Thursday, November 13, 2014

fuck you jet lag + a hair update

i have not fell off the face of the earth. promise.
the husband and i took a little holiday back to the motherland. 

i'm nursing the worst case of fucking jet lag.

travel inside europe. no prob. inside the states. no prob. 
finland to states... meh not really a problem for me. 

states to europe. fuuuuuck. man it spins me out every time. 
that whole west to east thing sucks. 

i've been messed up with jet lag for 3 weeks before.  
sooo hoping this doesn't go on that long this time.

here's a few random snaps of chicago which was just the last part of the trip.

most of the holiday was spent in michigan with family and friends. 
BEST BEST VISIT EVER! it really was worth the jet lag. 

i took 100000 pics of the grandson a.k.a 'smalls' (17 months) however i'm going to just share this pic of his little hand. 

smalls is severely hearing impaired.
he's learning to sign. it's the cutest thing ever.
i just love those little hands.

he took 10 steps for me. we played. opened presents. laughed and snuggled and i smothered him with kisses. 
miss him so much. sniff sniff. 

hair update:

week #20 hair blow'n in the windy city hair update. 

i have to admit when we booked the tickets for a brief moment i caught my old self clutching the pearls and had a bit of anxiety wash over me.

my people will see me in the real reals. not just here and not everyone knows what i have going on with my hair. 
so shit here we go. 

i will have to endure the 'sneak a peek- what the fuck is she thinking- she looks like hell- she's lost her ever lovin mind -nervously look away- lets pretend i wasn't staring at your head- look'.

and then i say to myself. it's okay. it really is okay. 
fuck you man! this is how i look!

know what... i owned that shit. 

it didn't stop me from doing anything i wanted to do or see anyone i wanted to see....
i had one person make a shitty passive aggressive comment. 
but that says soooo much more about their shit than it does about mine.
i laugh. i throw back my curls. fuck'em and i roll on.

moral of the story don't let your hair transition hold you back. 
not from traveling, seeing family, friends, going to a party, eating cake, riding a ferris wheel.
don't hide from the camera while in the transition.

just live your best fucking life. keep it real. own that shit.

shine on beautiful silver girls!!!!

glad to be back! 

ps. got any fabulous jet lag tips? do you suffer from jet lag? short flights? long flights? 

Saturday, October 18, 2014

shit talk'n. autumn edition.

what? what! you said you wanted another round of american Q+A.

aussie inquisitor reannon of 'she who rambles' has some more questions for me because i am the knower of all things american....   

a special autumn edition featuring

reannon asks...
Q: what the hell IS 'pumpkin spice'?

A: it's a lie.
there is no 'spice' that is derived from said pumpkin.

Q: why is pumpkin spice everywhere?

that's easy.
starbucks knows how to promote THE SHIT out of nothing and make people think it's sheik as shit.

let me break it down for you.
starbucks pumpkin spice latte: 
50¢ cup of coffee with 5¢ worth of spices, some other bullshit and guess what there's NOT even a gob of squash in it. nope. 

that's a $5 cinnamon scented *ass punch if there ever was one. 

*what's in a starbucks pumpkin spice latte
*shitty ass cup of chemicals

*ass punch: to firmly connect a closed fist with the rectal region of a person.

starbucks: how'd you enjoy that ass punch?
me: not very much. 
starbucks: that'll be $5
me: fuck you man.

Q: so what's up with pumpkin spice?

*pinterest no idea original source

A: yea what's up with pumpkin spice and her shitty attitude???? 
the other spice girls said she was always moody as fuck.

i called pumpkin spice up because i know all the spice girls from back in the day when i was a roadie on their american tour. 

pumpkin spice said those bitches just didn't understand that the ugg boots made her feet all sweaty and shit. 
plus the spandex camel toe hurt like hell.
no one enjoys a wad of spandex up the box.

pumpkin spice really was okay once you got to know her. she was just misunderstood. 
girrrrl story of my life! i feels ya on that!

although pumpkin spice smelled good, personally i could only ever identify with sporty spice because she's a bit butch, like me.

other than me liking dick i think i'd totally make a good butch lesbian because i like wearing flats.

here's my personal spice blend i use when a recipe calls for 'pumpkin spice' 

3 teaspoons cinnamon

1 teaspoon nutmeg

teaspoon ginger 

½ teaspoon cloves

i hope you enjoyed this installment of american Q+A. 
got more questions? i can answer them alllllll. 
x+o tracie

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

letting my hair down

today officially week #16 in this hair grow out journey
first off i decided to keep this picture in the reals. NOT to do my hair today. roll out of bed and take a picture so you could really see my progress without any fluff.

this is my air dry curls from yesterday. i've pretty much quit touching up my curls with an iron or fluffing with a hairdryer. it's been all of 3 weeks since i've even used hairspray.
that alone is some BIG SHIT right there! 

if i'm going somewhere and want to look a bit polished i put some effort into my hair and make up. but mostly these days i'm feeling like i need to be as *natural as possible. 
*you can read that as authentic as possible. because that's my goal. 

i know it's hard to tell from this picture but i have A LOT of hair. my hair is a bit coarse and thick. curly.
when i pick it out i can have a seriously big ass weave! 

anyway if you've been following my blog, if you know me in real life you know being natural and authentic is my thing. 
it's everything to me. i also want to be the most real me i can offer you.
i want you to know the real me.

as shallow as this might sound i have found this whole somewhat silly 'hair thing' to be extremely cathartic, healing and emotional. 
i had NOOOOOO IDEA it would be like this but it has. it's been so much more than just a 'hair thing'. 

deep breath. 
as long as i'm being so vulnerable showing you such a stripped down picture of me i'm going to share a bit more about me....

there's no pretty way of saying this and quite frankly i don't feel like trying to make it sound prettier or more polite than what it was. 
my mother was a drunk. a mean drunk. 
she battled addictions her whole life and could never get to that place where she could walk away from her demons and get her shit straight.
she was in and out of rehabs for booze but also for bouts of substance abuse. 
growing up with her was hard. ha.
the toxic 'less than' she put on me was so fucked up. i've been trying to break free from it my whole life.

we were completely estranged the last 4 yrs of her life. i just couldn't keep going round and round with her shit any more. she was the source of so much anxiety in my life. so much embarrassment.
i kept her at arms length as soon as i was old enough to realize that not everyone's mother was like colleen. 

*dear tina white, 
although you may not ever read this, i'm just going to write it. 
when we were growing up. spending the time with you, in your house, with your mother. with your family meant so much to me. your mother was so sweet, so kind. so welcoming. i wanted your mom to be my mom. i wanted you to be my sister. i never wanted to ever go back to my house. 
your mother's kindness made such a sweet impression on me. that sweet influence has stayed with me all these years. 
i just wanted you to know that. x+o t.

so colleen passed 5 yrs ago. 
her passing has brought out a shit storm of shit to sort through in the last few yrs. 
some of it i can share here. some will just always quietly belong to me to sort through at 3am when i can't say the words out loud. 

this freeing authentic hair grow out chapter has strangely (or not) has coincided with the sorting through of my own shit since the shitty year, which in part had to do with some left over unfinished business from colleen's passing.... 
so in this own self discovery of sorting out me it occurred to me that my mother NEVER felt secure enough in her own skin to be authentically herself. ever. 

she NEVER was herself. she NEVER really lived her life free. 
she hid in a bottle. she lied as easily as she drew a breath. she self medicated. she attempted to cover her shortcomings, her own painful childhood, her intelligence, talents. inner beauty. 
she hid. 
she lived in a bitter mean world where she was killing herself slowly for 40 yrs.

i could ramble on with this subject because there is SOOOOOO much to it. 
my God so many layers of this shit.
as i have wrote this i found myself flushed with anxious sweatiness. 
that's the thing about secret keeping it breeds anxiety and more secrets. i want that anxiety shit out of my life.

the carthic part of writing out your shit is that it doesn't have as much power over you any more. it takes it off the loop in my head. it helps me rest. recharge.
this is me feeling lighter and throwing off some of that 'less than' shit that was put on me. this is me healing. 

this is also me extending my hand to those who have hurts you've been carrying around for too long. 
this is me telling you..... giving you permission to yell out... 
hey don't put your shit on me. fuck you! 
i didn't deserve it and i don't want to carry it around any more!
what if someone offered that to colleen. what if.

so that's that. i had a bit of a cry. i let some of it out. thank you for listening. 
i'm going to shake out my weave now. 
i'm letting my hair down. i think i'll dance for a little while. 
join me if you feel like it.


Tuesday, October 14, 2014

tuesday in my neighborhood

is that a skateboard in you pants or are you just happy to see me?

art at the pukinmäki train station. 
well played boys. well played.

happy tuesday.